KANSAS CITY CHIEFS VS BALTIMORE RAVENS
It cannot be confirmed nor denied that the following interaction took place earlier this week between AFC West participants:
Kurt: Hey guys, as you all know I play the Ravens this upcoming week. I really want to kick his ass. Do any of you have any suggestions? Dave: Why don’t you slice his back hamstring, every time he swings he will slice the ball. He will have to give up the game. Kurt: Dave, stop being stupid, First of all, you watch Caddyshack too much. Second of all, I am talking about fantasy football you jackass. Andrew: Why don’t we pay off a tv announcer to say some racial shit about his QB Lamar Jackson. Lamar will be so upset that he will refuse to play. Kurt: Andrew, do ever keep up with the NFL. That was already done and the only thing that happened was the guy who said it is now suspended as an announcer. Craig: Why don’t we put a hex on Matt and his team? Kurt: This sounds like a great idea. How do we do it? Craig: I know this witch doctor who does voodoo. Lets give him a call.
Kurt: Perfect
Kurt, Craig, Dave, and Andrew: Hello Witch Doctor. Kurt has a problem with Matt, the owner of the Ravens. Can you help us? Witch Doctor: Yes, I would be glad to help you. I have a hex that can make him short. Andrew: Shit, somebody else already used that hex on him. What else do you got? Witch Doctor: Well, I have a voodoo chant that can make him hyper and incredibly annoying to others. Dave: Damnit, someone else must have used that too. Kurt: Look, all I want is for you to make him lose his fantasy game to me this week. It will help us out. Craig has his 2020 number 1 pick, and want to advance. Can you help us out of not? Witch Doctor: Yes, I can help but all I need is a little head. Dave: Now you are talkin’. Give me your address and I will get right over. Andrew: Dave, I don’t think he is talking about that. I think he is talking about a shrunkin head from his voodoo chest. Witch Doctor: Yes that is correct. What did Dave think I wanted? Dave: Uh, nevermind, I have to go. Witch Doctor: Kurt, you have nothing to worry about. Matt is going to lose this week. His guys won’t perform and some of his key players will come down with a mysterious flu.
QB: Ravens are going with Lamar Jackson. Chiefs are going with Aaron Rodgers. Jackson has been all world but he draws a tough matchup against the Bills. Rodgers is coming off a great week. He gets an easy matchup against the Redskins. I think this one will be close. The concern is that Packers get up big and then they run the ball and get away from passing game. SLIGHT ADVANTAGE: RAVENS
RB/WR/TE: Ravens are going with Bell, Hunt, Ingram, Andrews, and Hooper. Chiefs are going with Zeke, Freeman, Mack, Doyle, and Cook. It was been announced that Leveon Bell has come down with a mysterious flu and he may not play. (Our legal department is requiring us to say that we have no knowledge of what could be causing this illness). Hunt has good matchup against the Bengals. However, if Browns get up early, they may rely more on Chubb than Hunt. If the game is close, look for Hunt to get 15 points. Ingram has a tough matchup against a tough Bills defense. The same is said for Andrews. Matt gets Hooper back but hopefully for the AFC West he is just a decoy and he is only 50%. For the Chiefs, Zeke has already played and had a nice day. Freeman has an awesome matchup and he gets the leagues worst run defense in the Panthers who just fired their head coach. He also gets Mack back who should see a bunch of touches. For his tight ends, Jack Doyle could see 10 targets again since Hilton and Ebron are out. SLIGHT ADVANTAGE CHIEFS.
DT/DE: Ravens are going with Nnadi, Heyward, and Ionnadis. Chiefs are going with Guy, Armstead, and Jordan. Nnadi is up against the Patriots who will try to run the ball right at him. Heyward is having a great year. Ionnadis gets the Packers. The Raven’s linemen may get tackles but they are playing QBs who get rid of the ball quickly so the sacks may not be there. The Chiefs have Armstead who has been stellar. Jordan is coming off 50 point effort so a letdown could be coming: ADVANTAGE; EVEN
LB: Ravens are going with Littleton, Milano, Ogletree, and Walker. Chiefs are going with Mack, Hewitt, Wagner, and Wright. Littleton is the best. He gets Seattle. Littleton will get 10 tackles this week. Milano gets Baltimore who will try to run the ball and go to the TE. Walker gets Tampa Bay who doesn’t want to run the ball so his numbers could be down. For the Chiefs Mack already played and got 12 points which is low for LB in the playoffs. Wagner and Wright need big games. Not sure if the Rams will run enough to get these two guys the tackles. ADVANTAGE: RAVENS
CB/S: Ravens go with Kazee, Lattimore, Allen, and Reid. 3 of the 4 guys are coming from the Falcons/Panthers game. There should be alot of throwing and the game is indoors so weather won’t stop the passing game. Chiefs go with Apple, Amos, Dunbar, and Vaccarro. Apple always gets picked up. Amos plays Redskins who don’t sustain long drives. Amos needs to pick off a pass. Dunbar will see lots of action opposite Aaron Rodgers.
Final Score: Chiefs are going to win on forfeit because crazy electrical storm will disrupt Matt’s MFL site and his lineup will be reset right before kickoff. Go Chiefs!