Rivalries Part 2: Card Subject To Change
by
El Raven
Carolina “Ari Gold” Nils vs. New Orleans “Admiral Adama” Carlos
5 rounds-Octagon-Knockout Rules-No Tap Outs
Oh man, the very fucking words dreaded by any fan of any sport or entertainment event that isn’t set in stone: “Card Subject to Change”. If you think about it even in football your favorite star or fantasy stud could be left out in the cold with injury and not play. So in that essence you’re never are quite sure if you going to get what you paid for.
The second match on the card is typically the weakest. Which brings us to the Rookies. This article was supposed to be about them. But you know what? Give nothing, get nothing. Sure, a few have stepped up, and they will be rewarded with degradation soon enough. But in general this rookie class is full of a bunch of mute shitheads and they are about to find out that the participation deputies over at Educated Guesses are being left out in the cold…the Raven is coming…and he’s bringing hell fire and brimstone with him!
So, as the Booker I have to adjust. And as the reader you get another match that could have come later, but get’s bumped on the account that the rodeo clowns aren’t making their presence felt. This week we have:
Carolina “Ari Gold” Nils weighing in at 475 completed trades by lunch! Nils is the unquestioned champion of negotiating a trade over a bowl of bourbon and corn flakes!
New Orleans “Admiral Adama” Carlos weighing in at one Battlestar. *(Traded to him by Nils prior to the highly controversial Battlestar faulty faster than light engine recall . Damn thing always seems to breakdown in the super bowl!)
For those of you unaware, and likely not reading this, Nils and Carlos represent soul crushing defeat. Yes, in any season there is only one winner, but to make it all the way to the championship game, win your conference and then lose is a thousand times more brutal than say, losing in the AFC Championship game by 1.64 points. Right?
How was this feat accomplished you ask? Well with essentially the same squad. See, back in a land lost to time there was a Superbowl losing roster in Carolina. And Nils knew that he couldn’t take that type of defeat again. Not with that squad. He needed to wipe the stink off himself. So he jettisoned the whole damn roster, sending the key parts to Carlos who at that time was in San Francisco for a bag of soggy potato chips and a VHS copy of “Legend” starring Tom Cruise. Everyone was like what the hell (because that movie is really bad and he could have got at least a special edition laser disc of “Cocktail” for that roster)!
…But Ari knew…
When Carlos stormed out of the gate at 5-0 there was legitimate fear in the NFC. The middle of the season wasn’t so kind to Adama as he fell to 5-5 and his season was on the brink. But then something happened: he started winning. Until he found himself champion of the West. He rolled through the playoffs, Ari’s juggernaut on the brink of a championship again. And then like the 90’s Buffalo Bills, all that talent left Carlos high and dry. Which is why he is sourpuss Adama, firm and just, but broken inside.
Meanwhile, Ari had to live with his doormat. All predicated on future hits like “Oblivion”, “Jack Reacher”, and “Edge of Tomorrow”. Because those movies didn’t’ suck…but they still bombed like his 2015 squad.
Circle back around to 2016 and these former trade partners are no longer in different divisions. Now they share the NFC South in all of their failed glory. But nothing is like the heart of a defeated contender. One eats transaction updates like Godzilla eats the people of Japan. The other eats empanadas. What is the relevance you ask? Only that you should try different foods!
The bitterness that Carlos must feel for being sold a defective product has to run deep. Nils says “A deals a deal”, but you should never piss off a guy who takes such stern pictures. With the Veteran Free Agent Auction less than a week away and this is how I imagine the two front offices for these two strong GM’s:
Nils has a stack of papers two humans high. Each one has all kinds of nerd shit on players that only our boy in SF would geek out for. He’s got fifteen red phones, because fuck having just one red phone, if he’s going Def-Con then each GM needs to know he’s targeted. His list of targets all have one note: On the trading block. In Carolina, its not personal, its business twenty four-seven. And off to his right, a New Orleans Saints helmet logo with three darts perfectly placed in the center of the ear hole . He doesn’t need a bulls-eye, because doing it in the ear isn’t sex.
Somewhere in South America, probably a hut surrounded by a bunch of panther heads on stakes is Carlos. From the outside, it doesn’t look like much other than a seriously disturbed cat killing human is nearby. But inside it is a full fledged Battlestar War Room, complete with digital map layout with tactical assessments on all players, and spy updates on Nils movements and conversations. He sits on a pile of nukes ready to level the once proud city of Carolina. Not bad for a bunch of half ass mountain boys.
The NFC South is a much different beast this season. Gone is the shit storm Ari traded for with the promise of more shitty trades. Gone is the Superbowl losing roster he once compiled and then sent packing. Gone is the Prince, and the man who likes to take his shirt off. Now we have a mad genius and an admiral locked inside a cage with everything to prove.
No tap outs, no submission.
Only knockouts.
Lol…my roster was really, really different than Carolina’s in 2014. The only stater I got from Nils was Antonio Brown.
It was a fun article, though. 😉