Atlanta Floyd Presents:
Hot Atlanta Nights
Issue Five: The One With the Non-Playoff Teams
In this issue of HAN, I ask some of the IFL GM’s that are starting their off season a little earlier than expected how they will be spending the next couple months.
It’s an exciting time in the IFL right now. We are on the cusp of our first playoff experience for 12 GM’s. The Slack is filled with talk about tie-breakers and stat corrections, who’s playing who and draft orders. Playoff shows are about to drop getting everyone hyped about wild card weekend. But how hyped is everyone? I mean it’s 12 teams, 12 fucking teams. What about the MAJORITY of us that are not participating in this years playoffs? Do all of you elitists think that we are just sitting here waiting to listen you pat yourselves on the back about how you won your division, made that amazing trade, or had an unprecedented run in the second half of the season to sneak into the last wildcard spot. Fuck, I would rather listen to Andrew talk about his shit-floor, his late nights at work, or how he didn’t start a QB and still has a chance at a playoff spot. Let’s be real, we’re a all screwed if he makes the playoffs because we will be slathered with “member how I made the playoffs my first year, member how my team was garbage and I made it great.” C’mon , nobody wants that. But I am getting off topic here.
Most of us are starting our winter vacation early. As one of those GM’s, I didn’t want to be forgotten or pushed aside by you Asshats that will be to preoccupied with winning a championship. So I decided that I would find out, for the leagues entertainment, how some of us are spending our extended off season this year.
Baltimore Matt
“I want to give back this off season. Everyone thinks that I’m a dog hoarder, a puppy abuser, that I run a puppy mill. But I have to confess something, the reason I have all of these dogs is because I want to learn what makes them tick. I want to get into their adorable brains and understand them. A little unknown fact about me, my second cousin is The Dog Whisperer himself, Cesar Milan. So this off season I’m hosting a workshop, with the help of my cousin, about how to understand the psychology of your dog. It is set for late spring and I hope all of the GM’s in the league that love dogs as much as I do will be in attendance. Its three days and only costs $2,500. The weekend will be packed with one on one time with me and your fur babies and plenty of play time around our lake and campground. Finally, the weekend ends with Cesar giving a 4 hour talk about how to love your ball of fluff and what you can do to improve your relationship. Sign up soon, spots are going quickly. Hit me up on slack before the December 31st and I will give you 3% of your fee.”
Jacksonville Nate
“With my Frisbee injury almost completely behind me I have decided to start up my own competitive Ultimate Frisbee League. It has always been a passion of mine and with the extra time off I think that I can finally put pen to paper and start this thing. I am looking for any big, strong, athletic men from the IFL that are willing to help me achieve my dreams. We can have teams all across the nation and even internationally. I will call it the International Frisbee League or IFL for short. I think its kinda catchy.”
Kansas City Curt
“I know many of you were listening to my interview with Luke on TSOIFL and know that I have enjoy pleasuring myself feverishly to all of the old video game porn that I have collected over the years. Well sometimes you need a change. Now I can only get off by reading tweets from Lena Dunham. Don’t get me wrong, this chick is ugly as sin, the dog faced gremlin even. I’m getting soft just thinking about her face. But I tell you this woman can Tweet. Her words get me hot. I was in line buying some POG at the liquor store the other day and got a notification that she had tweeted “Love this video but feel super shaken that I misspelled @BarbraStreisand‘s name. SHE WAS MY ONLY FRIEND FOR YEARS.” and I lost it. Just nutted right there in line. Her wordplay is so sexual and I just love it. So what were we talking about? Oh yeah what I am doing this off season, just working and drinking, maybe heading over to the mainland.”
Washington Brian
“I know I haven’t been relevant much this season and thats because I have been dealing with a serious addiction. I have been reading Nancy Drew constantly. It has had an adverse affect on all aspects of my life. I read all day and all night. I didn’t sleep for 5 days because I was just so immersed in these fantastic novels. Carolyn Keene is just the most amazing writer. She paints a picture with her words that captivate the imagination. I know that I have a problem but I am not ready to stop. This off season will be spent getting help. There is a group that I have found that I think will help. They call themselves the Nancy Drew Book Club. They talk about their feelings for these books and I think that this will help me with my addiction.”
Detroit Mac
“Years ago I started writing a play, yes me, Mac, the driver of trucks, is writing a play. I’m sure some of you are familiar with Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Well it’s my favorite show of all time and I have always been a fan of the theater, so I asked myself, Mac, why not bring this great show to life. I am already on the 4th act and feel like I have so much more to say. The character development is so important to me and I feel the show didn’t hit on it enough. Just who is Carl, how did Meatwad come to be, what flavor is Shake. These are questions that I will answer for all of the fans.”
Well IFL there you have it. While some of you jerks are playing for the coveted first IFL championship, some of us are going to enjoy this stress free time and work on passion projects and enjoy our off season. Enjoy your anxiety-filled post-season and feelings of sadness when you are eliminated from the playoffs you fascists bastards.