Atlanta Floyd Presents:
Hot Atlanta Nights
Issue Seven : The One With The Noob
Big changes have come over the last couple of hours in the IFL. We have lost the owner of the Detroit Lions via das boot. Mac was a good guy people say, a real stand up guy with good morals and intentions. Unfortunate for him here in the IFL nobody carse about morals or how nice you are. In what was a whirlwind of action, within a few minutes we welcomed a new owner to Detroit, Russell. There was a heated exchange between Tampa Luke and 33.3% of the EG hosts Jacksonville Nate about to who has the rights to the first interview with Detroit Russel. Well while you ladies were busy comparing bra sizes, I went ahead and reached out to our newest GM. Here is a Hot Atlanta Nights exclusive. Let me introduce to the league, Detroit Russell.
Floyd: First off I would like to say welcome to the IFL and thanks for this exclusive first interview.
Russell: Thank You Floyd. I am really excited to be apart of this league and look forward to participating in chat, the draft and trade raping you.
Floyd: Wait what. Never mind. So you are replacing a GM who was the first to be voted out of the league, a legendary big rig driver, and a possible Vice-President. Do you feel any pressure in filling those shoes?
Russell: From what I have heard and read so far on slack is that he wasn’t really around much this off season. I love football and have no problem talking about it 365 days a year. I unfortunately don’t drive a truck because I think that they destroy the environment. I ride a electric powered Vespa because we need to take care of our planet.
Floyd: Fucking Hippy
Russell: I wasn’t aware that there was a president in this league. What is that all about?
Floyd: I’m not entirely sure myself. Baltimore Matt and Kansas Chittay Curt had a pissing contest and I think that they both realized that neither of them stands when they pee so it fizzled out like there hairlines. Wait, who do you think you are, I ask the questions rook.
Russell: When it comes to being kicked out of the league, I don’t think I will have to worry about it. After I’m done running the train on Chicago Nic, Minnesota Wade, and Green Barry this season, I will look forward to meeting the rest of the NFC and filling proverbial body bags with their mutilated corpses. After which I will put the head of whomever represents the AFC in the league championship at the end of the year. After I take all of the winnings, I will retire as a champion, never to look back.
Floyd: The Fuck
Russell: I kid, I kid. But seriously I look forward to what this league has to offer. I have started to look at some of the media that you all have put out. RnT looks fun.
Floyd: Don’t encourage that guy.
Russell: Educated Guesses must be a good show. The three hosts look like they know a lot about fantasy football.
Floyd: Don’t waste your time.
Russell: I hear there is a podcast with a guy who lulls you to sleep with his soft voice.
Floyd: Yeah, for about 18 seconds. So is it true that you are a Detroit Lions fan?
Russell: Well if you can be a fan of failure and mediocrity spanning decades, than yes I am a fan. I was raised in the greater Detroit area. I love General Motors and Eminem, Motown and Red Wings. Did you know that we are the home of black super heroes?
Floyd: Really. Remind me to tell you about a guy named A Aron. You are joining the more active NFC side of the league where trades make since, owners encourage each other and even look out for one another.
Russell: Sound like a bunch of Snowflakes to me.
Floyd: Just Andrew. When it comes to trades, you will be bombarded by guys like Josh who thinks air yards are the most revolutionary think to hit football since concussions, Nils, who by the time I have finished this interview probably traded with you four times, and Luke, a guy who is obsessed with pigs and 3:00 am blacked out trade offers that he will likely end up regretting when he wakes up.
Russell; They all sound like nice guys. I have looked at my roster and think that I am in a good position with the upcoming draft and with the contracts that I currently have. I do think that trading will be in my future. I see you have Blake Bortles. Any interest in a deal?
Floyd: I love you. I mean we can talk later. Well before we wrap this up and I gloat about how I got to you first, Is there anything you would like to say to the league before we go?
Russell: In the words of Robert Kiyosaki: “This rise of the new global mega-rich is happening as established institutions are falling. The fall runs the gamut from the music business and traditional media to the Detroit automakers who find themselves obsolete, outmaneuvered, and out-priced by entrepreneurs in Silicon Valley, Mumbai, Shanghai, and even Siberia.”
Floyd: Um… sure. Thanks for taking out the time to do this interview.