Welcome back to Marquee Matchups: episode 2!
(Yay! We didn’t get lazy and cancel the series yet…yet)
First off, I want to run it back and explain to you to how the series works. (ATTN: Skip this section if you pay attention to stuff and already know how the series works)
I will select the matchups that catch my eye each week. There are currently 7 marquee categories (more to come?). Only one matchup per category, and not every category will be represented each week.
(yea… IFL studios got lazy and went cheap with the Groundhog Day category and logo)
Rivalry Matchup (A heated, inner-divisional rivalry) | Déjà vu  (Either a key SB or playoff replay from a day gone by) |
Grudge Match (Two GMs that have a general disdain for one another) | “Finish Him” (The match has serious playoff implications) |
Wager Match (There is a side bet riding on the match to some degree) | BUMFIGHTS (The title pretty much says it all) |
Win Drought (one GM has dominated the matchups historically) | Challenger Approaches (Anyone can challenge anyone) |
Clash of Champions (A H2H match with two of the IFL's previous Champions) | Playoff Preview (Two teams that could very likely see one another again...) |
Some weeks may not have a single marquee matchup, so it’s up to you to stir some shit up. Make some H2H wagers, talk some shit, etc… you have your assignment…
NOW GO FORTH!
…second thought, hang back and finish this article before you run out there and He-Man some fuckers. The next part of each matchup will be my whimsical breakdown. I will not be using any real knowledge or skill that you might find in other people’s articles… To the contrary, I will be looking for simple-minded random points that I find to be intriguing.
But WAIT!
…there’s more…
I will be including a section titled “The Exchange” where both teams will have a chance to fire a shot across the other team’s bow. I strongly encourage you to be creative in this regard. Smack talk in any form is accepted (text, audio, video, song, images, illustration, haiku, limerick, sonnet, interpretive dance, sculpture, mosaic, screenplay, needlepoint…other?).
Lastly my final thought & prediction, followed by the match rating…I will be rating each matchup dependent on the history, smack talk, along with a variety of other arbitrary factors. The rating system consists of 1-5 golden AK Vegas lamps. 1 is a weak matchup…and a 5 is the goat. Look for me to rate all my own matchups 5s.
We have some great matchups week 2 and we are going to break down the five that made the Marquee cut.
Without further ado, let’s dive in…
(If you have been skimming, this is the part you should start reading again)
H2H Record 0-7
Baltimore v. Cleveland was such an obvious choice but I wanted to rectify a matchup I left out in week 1…
…Baltimore vs the entire AFC North…
Believe it or not… this is a Baltimore team that has yet to win a single game against a division rival. Let that sink in…
There’s a division sized monkey on his back because he managed to drop all 6 of his divisional matchups last year in what many believe to be one of the worst divisions in the league. Yea, yea, “we sent two teams to the playoffs!”
Let’s review… KC was playing for the 1.1, Mark gave up in week 2, Nate was rehabbing his achilles, Decker got arrested while scouting a pop warner game, Erik was too busy Ponzi scheming, and Peru was working hard on installing the hair trigger on his self destruct button. Bottom line, the AFC was mostly shit in 2016. I expect that to change in 2017. Enough about what I think, let’s hear from the North!
“The Exchange”
Baltimore “El Raven”
“Dear Kyle, wishing you into the mouth of a fire breathing dragon is too kind. I’ve waited one year for my vengeance, and I shall have it. When you wake up tomorrow, spit at the mirror, cause you’re fucked, and its your fault.”
Cleveland Kyle “Darth Quitter”
Marquee Matchups continues to break new ground, sadly we have our first forfeiture…
“It’s just not a fair fight. He makes two shows a month. I’ve never put a show together. His will be better.” – Kyle
UPDATE: Kyle turned in the following smack audio…
https://www.bandlab.com/revisions/ef777408-6897-e711-80c2-0003ff4668ed
Cincinnati Danny
Matthew, the Reek of the North, how does one fall farther than you?
For someone who barks so loud, you lack bite. These wild predictions of how you take the North are delusional; I really think you should seek mental help. Maybe that bandana is too tight? Or have you been eating too much chorizo? As your forehead gets bigger, your AFCNorth losses will too. Its time accept it La Raven, your home will always be at the bottom.
Pittsburgh Spencer
Matt “Icarus” Raven flew a little too close to the sun week one riding the underrepresented performance of Hunt. But like Icarus he will fall into a familiar sea of the basement of the division.
Matts 30 million dollar Pats investment was his biggest risk and its not looking great. RIP Matt, at least the basement is in the north away from the hurricanes so your nest wont get flooded.
Final Thought:
Cleveland won each of last year’s matchups by about 30 points, but a lot has changed since then (Gronk’s back is back). These two teams have both hurt and helped each other all offseason, intentionally as well as inadvertently. There was that time that Cleveland gave Baltimore Tom Brady for a 3rd round pick…yea that won’t come back to bite him… and then that time where Cleveland opted to transition tag Travis Kelce and Baltimore ran him into the guard rails with the highest bid, almost doubling his salary. Oh! and the time where Cleveland totally fucked Balt…. hmm… I am trying really hard to think of an instance where Kyle took a bat to El Raven’s team, but I am struggling to do so…not looking good for you Kyle.
A special thank you to Cincinnati Danny and Pittsburgh Spencer for stepping up. No thanks to Kyle who laid down and did his best roadkill impersonation. Shame on you Kyle.
My Prediction?
Baltimore puts the DogPound to sleep
Baltimore 323 – Cleveland 256
This matchup earns a pitiful
2 Golden AK Lamps
(DISCLAIMER: I know the rules say that there can only be one of each match type, but I play by my own rules here. Balt. v. Cle. was supposed to be a wager match but I didn’t want to miss out on shaming him for 0-6 in his division.)
Series Record: 2-0
Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly
You might be asking yourself, “why in the hell is he quoting from the Beauty and the Beast?” Good question. I don’t really have an answer for you other than to say that this is a long time, often bitter rivalry that has spanned 3 leagues and has had some really great twists and turns along the way. From Donnie Jones singlehandedly sealing the game (twice), David Johnson hosting a 70 point boot party on Mark’s grill in the playoffs (2 point victory), me handedly sweeping him last year, both parties have been known to run negative PR campaigns in an attempt to spoil any trade efforts, and that time I somehow topped him in the IBL (a league he commishes) even though my squad was pretty banged up and resting near the end there. Come to think about it, this affair has been pretty one sided over the years. That hasn’t stopped him from running his yap and I respect that. Now that we have that out of the way…Enjoy the Exchange…
“The Exchange”
Miami Braf
With Zeke’s suspension lifted, Mark is livin’ on a Prayer…all I need is to somehow trade for Donnie Jones before next weekend and this game is in the bag. You can look forward to the noble Dolphin sweeping the snake again this year…
New England Marf
I was meant to bring balance to the force in the East, not leave it in darkness in a shroud of fishy domination.
My rivalry with GM Brad “Fish Breath” Dolphin has been years in the making. It all started with a punt from Donnie Jones and has grown and grown over recent seasons.
Final Thought:
Is Mark a reptilian-human hybrid? I’m not going to rule it out.
My Prediction?
The Dolphin dispatches the serpent
Miami 328 – New England 288
This matchup defaults to
5 Golden AK Lamps
Series Record 0-0
These two GMs have yet to do battle in the IFL, but are friends and co-workers outside the league which always makes for a fun matchup. It’s also the perfect storm for a classic ‘Bumfight’ matchup since these two consistently seem to lack decisiveness in terms of personnel moves and often times can’t get out of their own way. I want to wrap this one up with a few inspirational quotes for these two cellar dwellers…
“The Exchange”
Cincinnati Danny
After attending the School of Jai, I decided to drop out and try to win. Apparently, I didn’t meet his standards of losing and becoming a bottom feeder. The schedule demands I take out my former mentor and add to his long list of fails. With my team of selected operatives, I will ensure victory and take this Aziz Ansari impersonator offthe battlefield.
Arizona Jaw
And this matchup is finally here. The Bengals vs. the Cardinals. Brown vs Brown. Two ESL individuals battle for the Mile High title.
It’s pretty simple who will win between:
and…
My Prediction?
Jai drowns the feline
Cincinnati 220 – Arizona 255
This matchup defaults to
3 Golden AK Lamps
Series Record: 1-1
The matchup everyone’s been waiting for. Folks want to see Dallas fall on his face, but that division is just such a quagmire. Will this be the year? Who will topple the lurker and take the East? When will Washington cut DGB? Why does Dallas choose Chipotle over real Mexican food?
Everyone seems to believe that NY is our only hope, although Philly has made some interesting transactions in the waning hours of the offseason..some good, some bad. In any event, I am personally invested in this division thanks to the bet I made with Dallas. He took himself and I got the field for a friendly $25 bucks. Zeke being let off suspension likely for the entire year is a bittersweet thing for me because while it helps my team, it also gives Dallas another weapon and may cost me the $25 bucks I just won by mollywhopping his ass in our H2H week 1.
“The Exchange”
DJordan
So here I sit week 2. Players injured and who do I have to see good old Brian AKA “The Chosen One” Don of the NFC East. (Hold on Brian sending me another offer for one of his players lol).
Usually I would wax poetic about how good he is, but Fuck that he reminded all of us this in July! I need to wipe that smile off his face and bring him pain and misery week 2 my key game with LA vs Eagles I hope for lots of yards and points from both teams.
Meanwhile Zeke has Denver in Denver, so I am expecting a boost from this.
No excuses let the best team win that will be GMEN week 2!!!!!
Dallas “Lurker” Brian
What can I say about DJordan and his team? He’s a nice guy and guess what? Nice guys finish last. That’s exactly how he’s going to finish in the NFC East. He built himself a decent team lead by Kelce and Gurley who arent scaring anyone. He lacks the star power on the defensive side, especially now with Eric Berry out. DJordan doesnt have a shot in this game but I wont rub his face in it because he’s a nice guy.
https://youtu.be/5blHnABKpkY
Final Thought:
Don’t let me down DJ!
My Prediction?
The Giants Stomp the Cowboys
(psst…DJ,you need some help on offense)
New York 281.1 – Dallas 281
This matchup receives
4 Golden AK Lamps
Series Record: 0-1
What better way to close out week 2 of Marquee Matchups than with this epic Grudge Match. Curt wasted no time going after Green Barry in year 1…sure he lost to him in their one matchup, but it didn’t stop him from dubbing Barry the ‘Green Gaper’. Then there was that time that Weird Curt Chittay-vich released the track titled “Green Gaper” which was number 589 on Billboards top 100 hit singles of 2016. Let’s give it a listen…
Ahh yes, like a fine jug of Carlo Rossi; It has aged marvelously.
“The Exchange”
Kansas Chittay Chiefs
You’re invited!
You too Green Bay!!
To participate in the Week #2 Chittay Quiz! The polls flowing out of the wastelands of the KCC has a brand new IFL community poll for week 2!
So watch this invite from Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and then smash the link below to join in on the fun!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNe7VZcFLAo
Click the following link and let’s get rolling!
goo.gl/FFphML
(May be a little NSFW as is just about everything in the IFL.)
Green Barry
A beam of light begins to creep its way through the blinds. The light starts to shine brighter as the sun slowly rises. It begins to pierce Curts eyelids. It’s yet another depressing Tuesday morning in early September for the Chittay franchise. Curt angrily removes the crusty eye boogers that have been lingering all through the night. He rolls out of bed and looks in the mirror, wondering, why he’s once again unsuccesfull in slaying the steady run, well oiled machine that is the Green Bay franchise. “Does it have anything to do with the fact that I, for some unknown reason, am paying my backup quarterback 10 million dollars to ride the bench?” He ponders to himself as he sits befuddled.
Flash back to Sunday where Curt sits in agony as he witnesses the slow destruction of his season. An 0-4 start is just not something the team from Kansas City is prepared for. I can only imagine the look on his face as he watches Lavonte David coast into the end zone after intercepting Mike Glennon. I wish I was there to see Curt weep when he watches Michael Thomas leap into the air and catch an amazing touchdown, even more impressive than the 1st. Things aren’t all bad though for the Chiefs. There is always early preparation for the 2018 season.
Man o Man!
Barry in the booth recording that 🔥
Final Thought:
For fucks sake… week 1 we had an IFL first drawing of a GM…now we have broken new ground with a survey and a studio quality rap track… where are you taking us next, IFL?
My Prediction?
🔥 🔥 🔥 Barry melts Curt’s face 🔥 🔥 🔥
Kansas City-291 Green Bay-320
This Matchup Earns
a unanimous 5 Golden AK Lamps
/slow clap