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Marquee matchups #10

September 10, 2019 Miami 437 Comments

Oakland Craig vs Denver Dave

Series Record: 2-2-0 (first encounter)

“In January Craig graced us with his presence. It wasn’t until March when he found out how to use Slack, that we first heard from him. He’s picked up where Prendo left off in terms of answering DM’s, trades, and scoring points, but he at least tried in FA so things are looking up. No matter win or lose this week at least we will know one thing… Craig will be asleep by 6pm so won’t know the outcome until 4am Tuesday morning when he wakes up for his cup of Joe and the morning paper“

– Dave

“Since joining the IFL, Denver Dave always has a comment about something. He is like that booger that you can’t flick off your finger. To be honest, I have no idea whether Dave is buying or selling. I am not sure he knows. Frankly he has left me speechless. I thought it was only fitting to get some help from someone from the Black Hole. Dave is in real trouble this week. Go Raiders…”

– Craig

San Francisco vs Seattle

Series Record: 1-5-0

New Orleans vs Tampa Bay

Series Record: 4-3-0

“As usual, Tampa Bay and New Orleans is a marquee matchup. 2 of the most successful owners in IFL history, 2 perennial playoff contenders. I think it would be a nice time to provide a quick recap of what happened a year ago. After talking about how bad the Saints roster was, how happy he would be to see the Saints finishing last-place and Floyd winning the division so all NFC South GMs would have a division title before me, how scared I should be about his Defensive Ends…Luke suffered with karma in like nobody else in fantasy football before him. His season was over when, after the conclusion of the early games in week 1, he proclaimed that the season was starting so much better than he expected. A little more than 24 hours later, he was 0-2. And 11 weeks later, the team that was supposed to finish last in the South was 12-4, 6-0 against the rest of the division. The playoff loss was a disappointment, but it was definitely a very successful season for the Saints in 2018.

Talking about 2019, it will be the same old thing…I will keep a low profile, start the players I like the most based on matchups, wait for a trade that makes sense if it improves my roster, I still don’t care about what others are doing, and I’ve got no idea about who is on Luke’s team. So, when I was asked to talk about Luke and his team prior to our matchup in week 2, I struggled to find something new and relevant to say. In the end, instead of saying nothing, I gave it a try…”

– Carlos

(Luke declined to comment)

Kansas City vs Los Angeles

Series Record: 3-3-0

Dearest Curtis,

It was a great Week 1 for you, and a Chittay Week 1 for me. That’s ok. I am now in a 2-game hole, but we will climb out. No one said it would be easy, and neither will this week’s matchups for the IFL’s favorite AFC West team. I mean me, you arrogant fuck.

Anyway, I won’t sit here and talk shit on your roster or make some bold prediction. Instead, I’d like to leave with one final statement. I HEREBY TRANSFER MY IR CURSE TO YOU, SHALL THIS CURSE LEAVE YOU PANTLESS AND ALONE ON THURSDAYS, SUNDAYS, AND MONDAYS. For real, please please please take this curse. CAPPPPPPPSSSSS

Yours Truly,
Decker Preston Juan-Paul Fredricks Cady, the 3rd.

P.S. Your defense sucks the dicks of a thousand white males in dark alleys and dim-lit underpasses. I boldly proclaim an IFL W for the Los Angeles Chargers, by way of a game-winning TD catch by the Sixty-Million Dollar Man, known as Odell Beckham, Jr. or a forced fumble and TD return by THE Jamal Adams on Monday Night Football.

As always, eat a bag of Chittay-roasted dicks. Free refills, only for you.